Environmental Talk

Endangered species ….

One of the many presumed deleterious effects of global warming is the threat to biodiversity. Many reputable scientists and television critics feel the change in global temperatures could alter the composition of various ecosystems around the planet.

Let’s take a moment to examine this problem further.

Biodiversity (from the Latin “bi” meaning to experiment sexually and “oh, diversity” a phrase often muttered by tourists as they ride a New York City subway for the first time) refers to the multi-varied nature of species in a given area.

Biodiversity flourishes in natural, pristine areas such as deep sea basins and tropical rain forests … and not so much in affluent suburbs outside of Atlanta.

One area where biodiversity has thrived is in Hollywood. But global warming is currently threatening one of our most beloved sitcom actors. As global temperatures climbed, parts for this one-time teen idol have dried up. As evidence of exactly how serious the problem is, he’s even had to resort to appearing in his own reality show. We’re way past the tipping point on this one.

Many observers are claiming it may already be too late to preserve baiodiversity in Southern California.

It wasn’t always like this.

Scott Baio first charmed his way into our hearts (and, apparently, Erin Moran’s kitty) as Chachi on Happy Days.

Early in his career, it would have been hard to predict the type of varied characters Scott would play throughout his life as an actor. After featured roles in Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the evolution of Scott Baio took a surprising turn.

Not content to play a wholesome teen heartthrob, Baio explored new ground as a wholesome teen heartthrob who lived in New Brunswick, New Jersey in the series Charles in Charge.

But were things really as they seemed?

To the untrained observer, Charles in Charge appeared to be a sitcom about a typical Garden State family who needed weekly guidance and life lessons from the live-in help.

In reality, the series was a thinly veiled attempt to promote an alternative lifestyle of bondage and discipline among impressionable teens.

It seems so obvious to us now, but back in the 1980s not many people saw through the veneer of respectability and recognized Charles in Charge was really about a group of submissives who paid a dominant male “nanny” to oversee their every move.

Even the program’s theme song was rife with sexual innuendo:
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I want, I want Charles in charge of me…

The only way the sub-text of this show could have been any more obvious is if Charles wore a leather hood and carried around a wooden paddle and a ball-gag.

After the 1980s, as global warming increased, Scott Baio appeared sporadically on television in guest spots on such shows as Full House, Touched by an Angel and The Nanny. Often, these shows would be sponsored by major oil companies who used the opportunity to argue that rising temperatures hadn’t really affected the actor’s career.

Stories linking Baio romantically sexually to actresses such as Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards and Heather Locklear also led many people to conclude Chachi was as vibrant as ever.

The veracity of these stories was later called into question when it was discovered that Parade, Us Magazine and the National Enquirer all had taken money from Exxon.

Oh, yeah … and also because the stories were reported in Parade, Us Magazine and the National Enquirer.

There are positive signs for baiodiversity. Thanks to guest appearances on Arrested Development, and a new reality show on VH-1 the former teen icon and Hollywood stud, appears to be on an upswing. Constant vigilance will be necessary, however, to assure that Scott Baio is around for our children and on DVD for our children’s children.

While we’re on the subject, we should mention the other big biodiversity news this week. Scientists in Indonesia were surprised to find a new species of giant rat in a remote area of jungle in the Foja Mountains.

Experts were amazed to find a personal injury lawyer in such a remote area.

The rat is said to be five times the size of a normal New York City rat, making it roughly the size of Yankee Stadium.

As if that wasn’t enough good news, the rat is said to be fearless around humans, small pets and light-armored vehicles.

This is a great example of being careful what you wish for.

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Also cancer-proof ….
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We’ve done pretty good job up until now with the species we have. Why do we want to go encouraging even more biodiversity?

For the most part, dangerous animals know their place in the world as either the subject of an Animal Planet special or as props in a Vegas magic show.

If we go around trying to stop global warming and encourage biodiversity, who knows what havoc we could cause?

We may find we helped enable a species of giant fire-breathing tarantulas.

Or worse yet … a full-length Joanie Loves Chachi movie.

global warming, climate change, biodiversity, baiodiversity, Joanie Loves Chachi, Scott Baio, Happy Days, giant Indonesian rat, National Geographic, Siegfried and Roy, giant fire-breathing tarantulas