Environmental Talk

Ed. note: I’m on vacation in Colorado this week … thought I’d leave you a couple of excerpts from “The Sky is Falling: A Global Warming Survival Guide” to keep you going through the week….

Just think about it. What if everyone took some steps to stop global warming? At the very least, you might make a few friends, and you’d get the chance to pester your elected officials.

Meanwhile, if you’re busy dealing with day-to-day woes, we’ve got you covered. Here are 12 things you can do to feel like you’re doing something about global warming:

1.) Get your own cow.
Today’s modern dairies are responsible for (insert scary, unsubstantiated percentage here) of the greenhouse gases in our atmosphere. Pasteurization, likewise, is overrated. In the pastoral times of the Middle Ages, when the air was clean and windmills and babbling brooks provided most of the power, no one had pasteurized milk. Sure, there was rampant dysentery and disease, and the average life span was one-third what it is
today, but that’s a small price to pay to make sure we leave a viable planet for our children.

2.) Stop all activity when it gets dark.
While owning a cow is a start, turning off the lights is a must-do. Most of the power that’s used in this country is used after the sun sets. Televisions, stereos, and vibrating hotel beds all help to make America the most energy intensive country in the world. We need to start now, right now, if we’re going to try to impact the planet’s temperature somewhere beyond the 23rd decimal place. The Amish have lived this way for centuries. And if they have survived living the simple life, we can vow to die living a boring life, too.

3.) Walk to work.
Early to bed and up at dawn to milk the cow before you face your new, improved four-hour commute to work in the morning. Only the most selfish person would suggest thisisn’t a reasonable price to pay for helping reduce CO2 emissions back to the level they were at the time of the Pharaohs.

4.) Eat all your food raw.
Getting back to basics is healthy and, yes, this gets sticky if you include meat and poultry. Note:
There is a small risk of catching mad cow disease, but people are already going nuts over a two-degree rise in temperature over the next hundred years, so how much worse could it be?
As it turns out, the symptoms of mad cow disease in humans already pretty closely mimic the effects of being a climate change activist, including (but not limited to) “memory loss, emotional
instability, including inappropriate outbursts, and severe rapidly progressive dementia.”

5.) Use stone tablets instead of Post-It notes.
If you can do raw food, you’ll have a little more time to express your thoughts. But instead of sending an e-mail or writing on a Post-It note, go back to the Stone Age and do what cavemen did–use rocks. You’ll feel connected to nature.

6.) Communicate by carrier pigeon.
We know it seems like you couldn’t live without e-mail or your cell phone, but computers and cell phones are among the most energy intensive things to recycle. And remember, we’re trying to eliminate using any energy so that … well, we just are. Just play along, okay? If you are allergic to birds, as an alternative, you might also consider hiring a messenger boy to replace your current long-distance carrier.

7.) Unplug all the appliances in your house before you go to work …
Before you begin that morning commute and, after you’ve answered all the messages left by carrier pigeon, unplug your appliances. They use electricity even when they’re not turned on. Your annual electric bill could be tens of cents lower and you could single-handedly save enough energy to power your wristwatch for 48 months.

8.) Unplug all the appliances in your house when you go to sleep.
While you’re at it, unplug all the appliances in your neighbor’s house and at the houses of complete strangers. Trust us, rock salt blasted at you from a shotgun at close range only stings for seven or eight hours. It’s a small price to pay for taking the moral high ground on the issue of global warming.

9.) Opt out of your hospital-based HMO and find a good local witch doctor.
Staying healthy and saving the planet take creativity and moxie. Modern medical machines like MRIs and CAT scans contribute to America’s energy addiction and the rising cost of health care. By patronizing your local witch doctor, you’ll be doing your part to solve two of the country’s most
pressing problems. Tip: Ask for the generic leeches. They’re every bit as effective in bloodletting as the name-brand leeches.

10.) Plant a tree in every room in your house or apartment.
Good-for-you trees not only help to reduce your carbon footprint (making you like an invisible Ninja to Mother Nature’s sensitive ecosystem), but they also provide shade from those over-priced
yet incredibly brilliant energy-efficient bulbs you’re no doubt using throughout your house. Don’t forget to insulate heavily around the hole in your roof where the tree sticks out.

11.) Clean yourself with rubbing alcohol.
Don’t despair! Saving energy doesn’t mean hygiene has to take a holiday. Showers account for two-thirds of all water heating costs. If you’re serious about saving the planet so that your children can screw it up without any kind of a running start from your generation, eliminate showers altogether. Loofah with rubbing alcohol or Purel waterless hand cleaner. The scent of alcohol will let people know that you are doing your part to save the planet.

12.) Set your thermostat two degrees higher in the summer to cut down on cooling costs.
Last, but not least, setting your thermostat two degrees higher will illustrate (in just a few short
hours, right in your own home) the catastrophic temperature change that is predicted to happen over the next hundred years. This should go a long way toward easing your mind about climate
change Armageddon and free you up to worry about more important things … like remembering to milk the cow.

global warming, climate change, The Sky is Falling, A Global Warming Survival Guide