Environmental Talk

Red wigglers and The Wiggles: Both create output that can be used for compost …

My biggest problem with trying to adopt a green lifestyle is that I never know when people are being serious with their suggestions.

I remember the first time someone advanced the idea that I should sift through my own garbage and pull out cans, newspapers and bottles. My initial reaction was, “Isn’t that why we have homeless people?”

But, here we are, some years later and I’m dutifully separating my garbage into four color-coordinated, plastic-bag-lined milk crates. Go figure.

We’re continually asked to do all kinds of crazy things in the name of being green. I now buy CFL bulbs, despite the fact that, if I ever break one, I have to don a haz-mat suit and call three different government agencies to handle the clean-up.

I’m convinced that one day we’re going to learn that Greenpeace employs a secret brigade of some of the country’s top practical jokers who do nothing but sit around all day, think up wacky ideas and bet each other, “How many people do you think we can get to do that?”

This secret cabal is getting more outrageous all the time. I have it on reliable reports (and by “reliable” I mean the voices in my head) that the heaviest betting action so far is on the latest suggestion that people should be vermicomposting in their apartments.

Vermicomposting is a method of creating a “nutrient-rich, natural fertilizer and soil conditioner” in your own apartment by using worms, preferably red wigglers, that you can buy for $29.00 per pound.

As a long time Manhattan resident, I’ve spent a good number of years trying to keep creepy, crawly things out of my apartment. Now, websites like the City Farmer, are telling me I should set aside six to ten square feet of prime urban real estate for the care and feeding of tens hundreds thousands of worms.

Okay, I’ll do it … but only if I they chip in for the rent.

The City Farmer website offers a number of helpful suggestions for starting your own worm composting factory. As it turns out, starting and organic recycling plant in your place of residence is not as easy as just getting a box filled with dirt and ordering your worms online.

Building your own vermicomposting station is only slightly less complicated than a NASA space shuttle launch.

Before you even start the project, it’s recommended that you spend a week weighing your compostable garbage so you know exactly how many pounds of worms you’ll need.

In her book, Worms Eat My Garbage, author (and current Guiness Book of World Records holder for “fewest second dates by a single woman after you’ve seen her apartment”) Mary Appelhoff, suggests that “the correct ratio of worms to food waste should be: for one pound per day of food waste, use two pounds of worms (roughly 2000).”

In the event that you’re a sculpted 220-pound, 6′ 5″ sex machine such as myself, you’ll need about 18,000 worms and a box roughly the size of the Yankee Stadium infield.

Acceptable compostable garbage includes: “bread, coffee grounds and filters, crushed egg shells fruits, grains, cooked pasta, tea leaves, vegetables (chopped small).” A nice slice of cheesecake for dessert would also be nice.

Great. Not only do I have to spend 30 minutes preparing my dinner, I now have to make sure I leave another 15 minutes at the end to mince and julienne any leftover vegetables for the worms.

Things that should not be thrown into the compost box include: “dairy products, fats, meats, oils, peanut butter or feces (human or animal).” This last item means that you won’t be able to advertise your apartment as a “two-bedroom, one and a half bath eco-friendly gem” when you go to sublet the place.

The no-meat rule also rules out trying to compost chopped up body parts from your downstairs neighbor who cranks up Metallica at 3:00 a.m. in the morning. Trust me, if the C.S.I. folks come to your apartment, the giant worm composting box is the first place they are going to look. Better to throw your neighbor in the Hudson River like everybody else.

Once you’ve made the commitment to vermicompost (and the first round of Greenpeace bets have been settled), you’ll need to build the box, drill holes in the bottom, raise it on stilts above a drainage tray, construct bedding for the worms, make sure the bedding is the right acidity so that the worms don’t crawl out and construct a plastic-lined hinged-top to fit precisely over the dirt to keep out flies, roaches, rats and small children.

This whole process will be featured this fall on an upcoming, two-part episode of Extreme Home Makeover.

Ty and the gang help a single mother with a rare blood disease, who is on the verge of losing her seven adopted children, rebuild her worm composting box after the first box was destroyed in a tragic fire.

At last, you’re ready to do your part in contributing to the growing trend toward sustainable living ….

to be continued ….

Tomorrow: Maintaining your worm box and a coupon for free membership to the new singles dating site guaranteed to match you with the three other worm composters in your state.

worm composting, vermicomposting, Metallica, Extreme Home Makeover, Ty Pennington, sustainable living, CFL bulbs, Greenpeace, Home Depot, C.S.I.