Environmental Talk

“BAM! … Let’s kick global warming up a notch.” ….

I’m sure there are a lot of reasons to get upset about global warming but how it affects the sex life of shrimp isn’t one that’s keeping me up nights.

Still, there are scientists who study the copulating behavior of shrimp and reporters with an agenda and too much time on their hands, so we get a story like this recent one in the Houston Chronicle.

I thought I was doing drugs when I read this article because the author starts with the assertion that global warming is affecting the mating life of shrimp and then proceeds to contradict his original thesis for the entire rest of the article.

Here’s the opening sentence of the article:
“Besides the delayed appearance of waterfowl to southern climates, droughts and forest fires, shifts in the sexual behavior of shrimp may be added to early signs of global warming.”

Amazingly, the very next sentence is:
“The jury is still officially out, and so far no authoritative scientific work on the subject exists.”

Basically, this dude had a deadline, two random events and a bag of weed and just decided to come up with his own crustacean dating theory.

Even the scientist that author John DeSantis interviewed for the article didn’t agree with him. Biologist Martin Bourgeois is quoted later in the article as saying that “increased salt content of local inshore waters may on the surface be a more definitive and explainable cause.”

All I know is that there are shrimp that are getting laid more than these two guys.

It’s also unclear from the article as to what exactly John thinks the problem is. The only effect seems to “bigger white shrimp may now be found in greater numbers in waters closer to shore, which can be a boon for shrimpers who get .. larger specimens.”

Have you ever been at a party where shrimp cocktail wasn’t the most popular hors d’oeuvre? I’d consider stopping by my local SUV dealer for a four hour test drive if it means more shrimp cocktail at the next party.

Oh, sure, women will try to tell you it’s not the size of your shrimp, it’s how you dip it in the cocktail sauce that counts, but we all know that guys with big prawns get all the sexiest party girls.

Larger shrimp that are closer to shore means these sea creatures can also be filmed more easily, thus helping to fuel the growing popularity and demand for animal porn. The Discovery Channel, Animal Planet and YouTube posters will all be competing to get footage of some hot (and spicy) shrimp-on-shrimp action.

This may mean that some of the older, smaller shrimp will have a hard time getting a date but they’ll just have to make up for it by driving around the sea bed in a Porsche.

And, like they say, at three o’clock in the morning — there are no ugly shrimp.

For anyone who likes appetizers, scampi and Cajun cooking, climate change is something that should be welcomed, not feared.

global warming, climate change, shrimp, prawns, sex, Emeril Lagasse, crustacean porn, Houston Chronicle, reporters on drugs