Breaking News: It Sucks to be Poor
He’s affected by global warming.
Him . . . not so much.
I think we need a 24-hour news channel that will broadcast nothing but obvious news. The channel would feature hard-hitting stories like:
Tattoos Hurt Job Prospects
Paris Hilton Does Something Trashy
Pope Says Capitalism to Blame for Everything
And the same way that E! News has a standing Hollywood Minute segment, the ON Network (motto: Obvious News, obviously) would feature a regular segment “It Sucks to be Poor.”
Every time it aired, this segment would open with the headline:
Poor People Hit Hardest by ________
I got alerted to just such a piece the other day by my Google Alert. The story was headlined: Poorest people will be hardest hit by the effects of global climate change
No kidding. Here’s another news flash . . . poor people are hardest hit by everything.
They’re hit hardest by taxes, rising gas prices, crime, bad schools, food shortages, re-runs of The Apprentice and having to watch Rosie O’Donnell on The View.
You don’t have to have read Journalism For Dummies to know that any time you want to write about a topic and just want to hash over the same tired bromides, all you have to do to freshen up the story is to describe how whatever it is your talking about affects poor people more than everyone else.
The article further cemented its place as an early front runner for Obvious News Article of the Year with the following observation:
For the first time, the scientists broke down their predictions into regions, and forecast that climate change will affect billions of people.
Hmmmm, considering that climate is always changing and everyone on the planet deals with the weather on a regular basis, it would seem that billions of people really could be affected.
Stay tuned tomorrow when we’ll cover such topics as Billions of People Depend on Breathing for Survival and Millions Enjoy Having Pets.
global warming, climate change, Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell
April 28th, 2007 at 12:18 am
I think you’re on to something here, Mark. Of course there will have to be an army of well-paid researchers on staff to do studies, polls, and undercover investigative reports.
Where do I sign up?
April 28th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Hee! Hee! I like it, Carrie. I think this is exactly how Ted Turner got started . . . a couple of reporters and a dream.
You’re hired.
A couple of plum assignments still available:
-Tarot card readers are often wrong
-Politicians may stretch truth on occasion
-Panhandling won’t cover Montessori payments
Take your pick. No pay . . . obviously.