“No, I just had ice cream ….”
A recent environmental study found that “male seals are reaping the benefits of climate change by having more sex.”
Scientists also noted a 67% increase in headaches among female seals as well as a growing sense of exasperation in dealing with more frequent requests to “do that thing where you balance my balls on your nose.”
“Imagine there’s no hubris…”
I didn’t think it was possible to come off as more pretentious than some of the Hollywood types who preach about global warming while personally living a lifestyle characterized by a Sasquatch-sized carbon footprint.
But, wouldn’t you know it, Yoko Ono was able to do just that while talking about her stance on hybrid cars.
When asked if she would consider buying a hybrid car, Ono rejected the suggestion and petulantly wondered, “Can someone make Hybrid cars as comfortable as a Bentley, please?”
Let’s get to work on that right away.
As a matter of fact, let’s see if we can’t pull some resources from oh, say, cancer research or sustainable energy to help speed things up a bit.
If you already were mad at Yoko for breaking up The Beatles, this could cause you to hang yourself.
Perhaps, what’s most surprising about her statement is that Yoko is known for her social activism. A few years ago she re-enacted her famous Cut Piece stage presentation, where the members of the audience are invited to come on stage and take scissors to snip off an article of Yoko’s clothing until she is naked.
The purpose of the performance was to promote world peace. (That seems to have made a real dent…) Nobody ever mistook Yoko for a supermodel and, at age 70, she isn’t any better looking than she was in the Sixties.
We can only surmise that the sight of a naked, screechy-voiced septuagenarian is also an attempt to address the obesity epidemic by killing the appetite of anyone who goes to see the show.
Those damn hybrids … they’re just not anywhere near as comfortable as your standard Bentley.
While we’re at it, can we make that polyester suit I just bought at K-Mart look and feel a little more like a silk-blend Armani? Please.
global warming, climate change, Yoko Ono, Instant Karma, K-Mart, Armani, Bentley, Cut Piece, performance art
“All we’re trying to say is ‘put your swords away for a second’” ….
Where are John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey when you need them? Sometimes it seems like what the global warming debate needs is for two crazy guys to sit both sides down and talk reasonably - without all the usual rhetoric and recriminations.
Or, to paraphrase Vince Vaughn, “The real enemy here is the institution of politics…”
In that vein, I’m going to ask everyone to read the following piece calmly and rationally, as it was written. There is something in it for both sides. Yes, there is global warming taking place. But, maybe, it’s not all bad.
So, everyone, grab a cup of chamomile tea, put on some New Age white noise - some Yanni or Songs of the Humpback Whale - and sheath the axe that you have to grind and read this article. And let me know if it makes sense to you or not.
And you can keep the frequent flier miles. Really.
The following article is taken from a speech given at Hillsdale College in June of this year…
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If I Did It, Here’s How I Wouldn’t Recycle ….
Are you feeling a little guilty about what you’re doing to stop global warming?
Maybe you’ve barbecued more than once this week or gone over your self-imposed limit of only showering for two minutes and 45-seconds on even-numbered days…
Maybe you forgot to key your neighbor’s new Hummer or didn’t take the time to berate an old lady for using an electric wheelchair…
Whatever your global warming sins are-ruh…whatever eeee-vil you may have done to the planet…
Brother and sisters, you can be saved. It’s not to late to repent and confess your climate change sins. All you have to do…I said, aaall-uh you have to do…is click on True Green Confessions.com
“It’ll go easier for you if you confess….”
True Green Confessions is a website where you can confess your recycling sins and voyeuristically check out other people’s environmental transgressions.
Confessing is cheaper than buying carbon offsets and, just like the Catholic version, leaves you with that fresh-scrubbed, absolved feeling … so you can go out and sin all over again next week.
Say “Hallelujah!”
Bring it on home with Spanish subtitles, Kirk…
“G.P. (green people?) are you with me?”
“Oh, yeah…we got the green, ain’t goin’ nowhere…”
Special thanks to Susie over at The Accidental Environmentalist for tipping us off to True Green Confessions.
global warming, climate change, confessions, O.J., Law and Order, Criminal Intent, Hummer, jolly green girl
Given yesterday’s post, I got a kick out of opening my local paper this morning and finding the following Rubes cartoon.
Ahhh. The synchronicity of the universe….
“Call me Ishmael - but don’t call me late for dinner…”
There are a bunch of eco-tourists who are scrambling to read the fine print on the contract they initialed when they signed up for a Japanese whale watching tour.
As reported in the Mainichi Daily News, the sightseers were “looking forward to observing the mighty creatures in their natural habitat.”
Naturally, (see what I did there?) everyone was excited when “a whale was spotted spraying water from its blowhole…about 3.5 kilometers away from the whale-watching vessel off the coast of Hokkaido’s Shiretoko Peninsula.”
The tourist boat headed toward the whale for a closer look and another memorable Kodak moment.
There was one minor problem. A short distance from the whale was another boat - a Japanese whaling vessel.
You can probably guess what happened next. Willy got p3wned, as the kids say.
By the time the tourist ship got near enough to treat its passengers to a close look at the whale, the whaling vessel had already harpooned the great fish, er…mammal. Whatever.
Instead of a 12-ton water ballet, the vacationers were “greeted by the sight of a harpooned whale being dragged in by a Japanese whaling vessel.”
It would have been just another day in the Circle of Life except one of the ships’ captains had to get all snippy and throw an aquatic tantrum.
Yes, the captain of the whaling vessel filed an official complaint with the local authorities. The complaint stated,
“The passenger boat approached us, which was extremely dangerous. We think this could be considered dangerous sailing, and we want you to issue a warning.”
I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve been out sailing and have mistaken a tourist-filled cruiser for a Humpback whale and have subsequently launched a rocket-propelled harpoon at an unsuspecting crowd of picture-takers in Hawaiian shirts.
Oh, wait. Yes, I can. If I recall correctly, it’s exactly … zero.
It seems to me, if you’re shooting off high-velocity, razor-barbed projectiles, it’s not too much to ask that you: a) check for other boats before firing or, b) hit the gigantic sea creature you’re aiming at.
It’s just good seafarin’ to be able to hit an animal the size of the local Wal-Mart.
In the end, this story is just one more example of the delicate balance that exists between man and nature.
Or, as your mother used to say, “It’s all fun and games until somebody puts an eye out.”
global warming, climate change, whales, environment, Free Willy, Seinfeld, Wal-Mart, your mom
“Hello? Room service? I ordered a cheeseburger three days ago, what seems to be the problem?”
It stands to reason … if you’re serious about global warming and don’t want to impact the environment on your next vacation, then you shouldn’t take your vacation anywhere here on Earth.
Lucky for you, your dream of a low-carbon-impact vacation is only a few short years away.
Galactic Suite, the galaxy’s first planned space hotel, expects to open for business in 2012 … or about the time President Hillary will be entering her second term.
Galactic Suite is billing itself as “the most expensive hotel in the galaxy,” but that’s only because Donald Trump has yet to announce his plans for the lavish Trump Uranus Hotel and Casino.
The Galactic Suite experience allows guests to travel around the world in 80 minutes and see the sun rise 15 times during a three-day orbit around the planet. The company notes this will ensure a minimum of 15 unwanted maid visits per day.
At four million dollars for a three-day stay, the Galactic Suite initially appears to be only for the wealthy few. However, when you consider that the three-day package also includes transportation to a Caribbean island where you’ll stay for 18-weeks of space training, the cost for the entire trip averages out to just under $138,000 per day; well within the budget of the average third world dictator or drug kingpin.
Like most upscale hotels, Galactic Suite offers a free Continental breakfast as well as a business center so you can e-mail your boss to let him know why you won’t be in for the next four and a half months.
Movies-on-demand will be available in all rooms but Galactic Suite owners warn that, due to weightlessness, watching the adult channels may be a little trickier than you’re used to - which is why two full weeks of the 18-week training regimen are devoted specifically to this topic.
Travelers are advised they are allowed only two pieces of carry-on baggage, one of which must fit under your seat in the space capsule. Also, all liquids, gels and creams must be under 3.5 ounces each and fit comfortably in a one-quart ziplock bag tethered to your wrist.
All Galactic Suite flights are non-smoking. Although, for four million dollars, the shuttle does offer complimentary beverage service as well as your choice of sexual partners from the flight crew.
Due to the duration of the flight, all requests for kosher or vegetarian sex partners must be made at least three weeks in advance of scheduled departure. No exceptions.
Galactic Suite Hotels. Because, in space, no one can hear you scream for extra towels….
global warming, climate change, Galactic Suite, Donald Trump, Uranus, space, the final frontier,
[Insert Moby Dick joke here ...]
It’s just like the photo editor of this site to make light of the serious issues surrounding our understanding of whales.
There are those of us who are serious about the current state of whale education in this country.
Watch and learn.
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global warming, climate change, whales, Moby Dick, Herman Melville, Ahab
Quien es mas macho? Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane or Hurricane Dean? …
According to all the models (Heidi Klum, Gisele Bundchen, Derek Zoolander, et al.), global warming was supposed to cause a greater number more severe more preppy-named hurricanes.
ET favorite Julius Sharpe has a hilarious take on Hurricane Dean over at News As Gossip (you’ll need to scroll down to the story on his site).
Excerpt:
After traipsing through a sparsely populated area of Mexico, causing little damage, and weakening over land, Hurricane Dean has been downgraded from “Category 5″ to “Complete disgrace.”
Ooops. Excuse me …
There’s disturbing news today as Spiegel Online features an article stating, “The Scandinavian moose is now being blamed for climate change, with researchers in Norway claiming that a grown moose can produce 2,100 kilos of methane a year — equivalent to the CO2 output resulting from a 13,000 kilometer car journey.”
I was shocked when I heard this. This means the whole time I’ve been keeping up my Swedish Bikini Team fan site I should have been converting their measurements from the metric system.
.
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The article goes on to say, “Norway is concerned that its national animal, the moose, is harming the climate … through its belching and farting.”
Wait, … what? The moose is the national animal of Norway?! No wonder Norway hasn’t conquered anything since the Viking days. You can’t strike fear into the hearts of other countries if your national symbol is one half of Rocky and Bullwinkle.
All of this is, of course, bad news for the moose … but good news for wannabe green millionaires.
If my math is correct, you can take a private jet to Norway for a hunting trip and, if you kill more than three moose, you’ll have enough carbon credits to open up your own oil refinery.
Call me now at 1-800-GREENSCAM for franchise rights in your area and get ready to earn BIG MONEY in the coming eco-boom!
global warming, climate change, Scandinavia, Swedish Bikini Team, Norway, Vikings, moose, Bullwinkle, Rocky, carbon credits,
When it comes to global warming, everybody always talks about hurricanes, rising sea levels and mass insect infestation. You never hear the good news about global warming.
Thank Gaia, there’s YouTube to bring us serious Presidential debates on the issues and the positive side of global warming.
Oh yeah, those videos where the fat kid gets absolutely annihilated in dodge ball are cool, too.
The point is we, as humans, are an adaptable species as the dude in this video proves.
Of course, glacier surfing means the beach bunnies look like this:
If the climate change doomsayers are right, the lovely Erin could soon be a regular on Alaskan beaches:
It’s enough to make you switch back to incandescent bulbs.
global warming, climate change, glacier surfing, polar girl, bikinis, Erin Angel,
All about the Benjamins ….
I can’t believe it took me this long to connect the dots.
Green is the chosen color of environmental activists.
Green is the color of money.
It’s like the famous environmentalist, Navin Johnson, once said in The Jerk, “Ah… it’s a profit deal. That takes the pressure off.”
You might have thought that it was only corporations promoting global warming skepticism that were making money hand over carbon-emitting fist.
Au contraire, my little climate change Cassandra. It turns out there’s a good living to be made on both sides of the sustainable coin.
Reuters News featured an article about some newly-minted eco-millionaires who “see boom times ahead.”
This isn’t particularly surprising since most of the time people whose livelihood depends on a particular business will see boom times in that industry if you ask them.
Twenty years ago, Detroit automakers had a rosy outlook for American cars, Bush Sr. was certain he’d be re-elected and Vanilla Ice thought being a white rapper was a solid career choice.
Still, the argument can be made that the eco-boom is in it’s infancy which means there’s still time for you to make your fortune peddling 82%-recycled goods to the 100% of the suckers concerned citizens out there.
The Reuters article is short, but it features some solid advice from a few green barons who’ve already made it.
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ET favorite Chris Baskind and his website Lighter Footstep alerted us to this Daily Show piece on renewable wind energy and the terrible toll it could take on Nantucket residents.
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The Cape Wind website presents the case for the project here.
Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.’s New York Times editorial against the project can be found here.
Grist takes a look at both sides of the project in a balanced piece available here.
Instead of a long, tedious treatise addressing both sides of the argument, I’ll cut to the chase with a little snappy and snarky commentary….
The current project is estimated to be able to supply about 75% of the electricity demands of Cape Cod, Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard.
Suffice to say, if the project had been built before Kennedys Jr. and Sr. had started talking, it may well have supplied 100% of the energy for the entire state of Massachusetts.
In his Times article, Kennedy first criticizes the cost of building the project off-shore and then later suggests that it should be built even further off-shore similar to proposed projects in Scotland and Germany.
Kennedy’s claim that local fisherman would get their nets caught in project cables seems to come up empty when, as reported in the Grist article, “the cables carrying the electricity back to shore would be embedded six feet under the seabed.”
Unless the fishermen are trolling for the worms from Dune, there would appear to be little impact on the local sea folk.
About the only real problem that could arise from Kennedy’s arguments is a global shortage of red herrings.
global warming, climate change, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Edward Kennedy, hypocrisy, Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard, Cape Wind, hot air, renewable energy, wind power,
I know. This is the second P & T video I’ve linked to this week. Can’t help it - I’m a big fan. BTW, if you ever get the chance to see their show in Vegas, go. It’s amazing and hilarious.
If they had a video poking fun at global warming skeptics, I’d post it. Honest.
global warming, climate change, environmentalist, Penn & Teller, hilarity ensues,
Hope the data’s being recorded in pencil ….
It all seemed to make so much sense. Greenhouse gases had been increasing since the start of the Industrial Revolution. Then came the pronouncements: “1998 was the warmest year in our country’s history,” “nine of the 10 hottest years on record all occurred since 1990,” and on and on.
The data was provided by NASA so you knew it had to be accurate. After all, these were the folks that had landed on the moon and sent an unmanned rover to Mars.
With all that data, only an idiot couldn’t connect the dots and come to the conclusion that global warming was all the fault of us humans.
There was just one problem. The dude at NASA in charge of temperature data couldn’t add.
NASA officials were red-faced today (but not from a global warming induced heat wave) when it was revealed that the temperature data for the past 20 years or so hadn’t been calculated correctly.
Some people might consider the new data to be just a little bit troubling for the climate change Cassandras of the world.
The Toronto Star describes the um, er, … glitch like this:
After a Toronto skeptic tipped NASA this month to one flaw in its climate calculations, the U.S. agency ordered a full data review.
Days later, it put out a revised list of all-time hottest years. The Dust Bowl year of 1934 now ranks as hottest ever in the U.S. – not 1998.
More significantly, the agency reduced the mean U.S. “temperature anomalies” for the years 2000 to 2006 by 0.15 degrees Celsius.
Remember how scared you were when, sitting in a darkened theater, Al Gore told you that nine of the 10 hottest years in history had occurred since 1995? Turns out you didn’t have to worry and you should have gone to see The Departed like you wanted to.
The NASA revisions for the hottest years now shake out like this:
Four of the top 10 are now from the 1930s: 1934, 1931, 1938 and 1939, while only 3 of the top 10 are from the last 10 years (1998, 2006, 1999). Several years (2000, 2002, 2003, 2004) fell well down the leaderboard, behind even 1900.
80% of man-made CO2 emissions have occurred after 1940. This remains one of the more bothersome facts that keeps getting in the way of the whole humans-cause-global-warming theory.
Kudos to NASA for investigating and admitting the mistake. It couldn’t have been easy for them in the current political environment.
And shame on the continued attempts by climate change advocates to attempt to stifle dissent on a complex and unsettled topic.
global warming, climate change, NASA, temperature record, hottest year on record, Dust Bowl, 1934, 1998
Environmental Talk is a blog that attempts to do the impossible . . . which is to have a reasoned and nuanced approach to the science and issues surrounding global warming. At the same time, we are not above taking the occasional potshot at the extremists and posers on both sides of the topic.
As a global warming agnostic, blogger/moderator Mark Jabo attempts to come down squarely on the side of finding humor in what is, too often, a needlessly contentious topic.
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