Environmental Talk

“Fear? That’s the other guy’s problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness….”

Let’s try a little test. When I say, “Wall Street,” what’s the first thing that pops into your head?

“Socially conscious,” right?

Not hardly. At the end of the day, no one on Wall Street cares if Warren Buffet recycles his cans, as long as his company still makes a profit.

This goes a long way toward explaining the attraction of oil and gas stocks over the last couple of years. Investors bought these stocks because the companies made a profit.

By contrast, conventional wisdom has been that “green” companies were generally assumed to be nice places to put your money if you wanted to make some kind of social statement but you shouldn’t really expect to make a whole lot of money off your investment.

With the growth of exchange traded funds (ETFs) over the two years, it has become even easier to select stocks that mirror a particular industry sector.

ETFs take some of the guess work out of trying to pick individual stocks by building a portfolio of stocks with similar characteristics. ETFs generally trade round the clock, allowing for greater liquidity and diversification than you might be able to get from just owning an individual wind power company, for example.

If you wanted to make a bet at the beginning of this year that oil companies were going to continue to profit from higher prices, one way to have done that would have been to buy one of the available of the oil sector ETFs back in January.

If it didn’t bother you to be involved in a carbon-based industry, you would have done very nicely.

A look at two of the more popular oil ETFs show that the United States Oil Fund and Oil Service HOLDRs were up 45.7% and 41.9%, respectively.

There’s a reason Jed Clampett and his family didn’t move to California by putting up solar panels on their shack.

Of course, maybe the reason the Beverly Hillbillies was canceled was because the clan wasn’t environmentally conscious enough for this day and age.

To settle the debate, the curious financial types over at CNBC thought it would be a good idea to see how “green” energy companies compared with the more traditional “black” energy companies this year.

The results would make Al Gore proud … and, probably, richer.

If you’d invested in the Powershares WilderHill Clean Energy ETF or the Market Vectors Global Alternative Energy fund, you would have done even better than your obnoxious carbon-based investing cousin. Powershares is up 46.7% on the year and Market Vectors is up 43.4%.

So, maybe it is possible to be socially conscious and profit conscious at the same time.

And just think … with all that extra cash, now you can afford to eat organic.

At least for the next couple of weeks.

global warming, climate change, investing, ETF, Al Gore, whole foods, Jed Clampett, Beverly Hillbillies, Jethro, Ellie May

Needs to write a global warming novel ….

There’s a new book out by two British authors entitled, Scared to Death: From BSE to Global Warming: Why Scares are Costing Us the Earth.

The book covers a number of scares that have occurred over the past two decades including salmonella in eggs, the Y2K Millennium Bug, bird flu and global warming. Authors Christopher Booker and Richard North conclude that there are five stages every scare goes through.

Some famous lady (whose name I should know but don’t), came up with a similar classification for the seven stages in dealing with death. If I recall correctly the first five were anger, denial, pride, gluttony and sloth. The last two were acquittal and collecting the insurance money.

Or something like that.

Booker and North have written a book outlining the five stages of a good scare. Scares usually start off with a random correlation that becomes fodder for a plausibly catastrophic story. Stage two occurs when the story is elevated, through some kind of publicity, to what the authors refer to as a “ruling orthodoxy.”

In the case of global warming, the formation of the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) marked the beginning of the rapid rise of global warming as a mainstream media issue.

Stage three is characterized by governments committing to taking formal action. In the case of global warming, the authors cite the Kyoto Accord as a sign post the world had entered this phase.

The massive redirection of resources is a hallmark of stage four of a scare. Many governments have ratified the Kyoto Accord and are taking action. Schools, local government and international organizations are all urging ever more drastic actions.

Stage five of a scare is usually when people calm down, look back and wonder why they were so scared of an over-hyped fairy tale. Obviously, we’re not at that stage yet.

The say those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. If you’re dealing with an ex-girlfriend, she may repeat it a whole bunch of times to her friends. This can happen even if the “problem” only occurred one time and even if that one time she got a really nice back rub out of the deal.

But I digress.

In addition to a fresh perspective, Scared to Death, reveals some new details you probably didn’t know about the various scares. Al Gore has often mentioned studying under renowned oceanographer Dr. Roger Revelle. What you won’t here mentioned as frequently are Gore’s attempts to “suppress an article co-authored by Dr Revelle just before his death. Gore didn’t want it to be known that his guru had urged that the global warming thesis should be viewed with more caution.”

Maybe this book won’t change anyone’s mind about global warming, but the authors’ thesis that there’s nothing new under the sun when it comes to scaring people is an attempt to lend some historical perspective to an hysterical debate.

global warming, climate change, Scared to Death, Christopher Booker, Richard North, Al Gore, Roger Revelle, history, scares, Y2K, Millennium Bug, seven stages of dealing with death

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and a sign showing his official campaign slogan …

I have to admit, I don’t pay much attention when Harry Reid talks. If you asked him what his favorite Halloween candy was, he’d tell you George Bush isn’t doing enough to fight the obesity epidemic and he’d find some way to blame the creation of the fun-sized Butterfinger on Dick Cheney.

Reid is one of the new breed of politicians and political pundits on both sides of the aisle who choose to rely on political rhetoric in place of any attempt to think about an issue. Any time there’s a photo op or a microphone, you’re liable to hear some crazy interpretation of the day’s events.

After all, the politician or pundit in question can always claim later that he or she (giving Ann Coulter the benefit of the doubt), was taken out of context.

As Winston Churchill once said, “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

Harry Reid has been going without pants for awhile now and he continued to demonstrate this latest fashion with his statement last week that global warming caused the recent California wildfires.

Within days of Harry Reid’s proclamation, this nonsense had been picked up by a variety of other outlets.

Before the flames had even died down, the idea was being repeated by Bill Maher on his HBO show, Real Time, on CNN’s promotion of their global warming special and in a segment on 60 Minutes that suggested we are living in “the age of the mega-fire.”

A few days later officials confirmed that the fires had been started by kids playing with matches.

So, unless they were working on a school assignment trying to duplicate the effects of climate change, it seems like a stretch to blame this on global warming.

The really silly part about the whole debate is how easily the thesis ascribing droughts and forest fires to global warming can be disproved.

As noted by Steven Milloy over at Junk Science.com, data from the federal National Climatic Data Center (a source you would think 60 Minutes might have thought to check before throwing out accusations) shows the following:

During the period 1900 to 2005, moderate-to-severe drought conditions occurred in Southern California during 34 of those 106 years — about one-third of the time.

Comparing the southern California drought record against the global temperature record reveals the following:

— During the period 1900-1940, when most of the 20th century’s one-degree Fahrenheit temperature increase occurred, there were 7 years of moderate-to-severe drought.

— During the period 1941-1975, when global temperatures cooled, giving rise to concerns of a looming ice age, there were 11 years of moderate-to-severe drought.

— During the period 1976 to 1990, when global temperatures rose back to the 1940 level, there were 8 years of moderate-to-severe drought.

— Since 1991, when global temperatures rose slightly past the 1940 levels, there have been 7 years of drought.

So, in the period of the greatest temperature warming and carbon dioxide growth during the first half of the 20th century, droughts occurred less than 18% of the time.

During the 34-year cooling period around the middle to third quarter of the century (which, by the way, was a time when the planet cooled, despite rising carbon dioxide levels), droughts happened at a rate that was virtually identical to their hundred year average.

In the past 18 years, the first half of which Al Gore was in the Senate and served as Vice-President, droughts have occurred at a rate slightly above the 100-year average.

If there is some kind of trend here, Bill Maher and Harry Reid are way better at math than I am.

With a little research we can come up with a much better correlation if we examine the time frame from the early 1980s to the present.

For example, the increase in large fires since the early 1980s coincides quite nicely with the growth of rap music. Clearly, Tupac and Death Row Records are responsible for the bulk of California’s natural disasters.

Can’t you see we’re at a tipping point where it’s necessary to drastically curtail the production of rap music? Otherwise 50 Cent and Missy Elliott will destroy the planet.

Quick. Someone tell Harry Reid and then go find a camera crew ….

The whole wildfire news cycle is eerily reminiscent of the global warming hurricane scare stories that were so prevalent after Katrina. Remember how Al Gore and others suggested hurricanes were going to increase in frequency and severity?

Two years later, after two of the mildest hurricane seasons in recent memory, it is generally acknowledged that there was no data to support the hurricane claims.

And even fewer reasons to listen to Harry Reid.

global warming, climate change, California, wildfires, increased severity, Harry Reid, baseless claims, Katrina, Bill Maher, Real Time, CNN, 60 Minutes, Winston Churchill

“He’s not dead, he’s pining for the fjords….”

In the pecking party to go green, everybody’s getting in on the fun. Even funeral directors.

Next weekend’s featured speaker at the annual meeting of the Funeral Consumers Alliance of Maine is Mark Harris, author of Grave Matters: A Journey Through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Natural Way of Burial.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking it’s just a little bit creepy to be holding a funeral director’s conference the week of Halloween.

Mr. Harris will be talking about the new trend toward “green” funerals. In a green funeral there is no embalming or fancy casket. The deceased is buried in the ground and decomposes naturally.

Green funerals are becoming more popular with eco-conscious baby boomers as they embrace this natural method of burial which has long been practiced by Italian American “businessmen” in Brooklyn and New Jersey.

According to the Portland Press Herald, do-it-yourself, green funerals are part of a growing national trend.

Great. You can raise your awareness of climate change while, at the same time, creeping out your neighbors.

You can bet little Christopher from next door will think twice about chasing his baseball into your backyard when he sneaks in to see a half-dug hole and grandma propped up against the fence.

What better way to teach kids flies are part of the ecosystem, too?

Many of you may find some comfort in knowing that your crazy Uncle Ralph, who used to walk around the house naked, will be fertilizing your organic garden for years to come.

On the other hand, you may never look at a carrot the same way again.

Some environmentalists are promoting cremation as a more ecologically correct method of dealing with the dead.

I don’t know. The average homeowner can’t light a barbecue grill with a quart of lighter fluid and a pile of specially-treated charcoal. What kind of gruesome results to you think you’re going to get when you try to have a Viking burial in the above-ground pool for Aunt Sally?

Still, cremation can solve some problems. It’s always a tough decision whether to give up football tickets on the 50-yard line or attend the funeral of the weird uncle you really didn’t trust to be alone with your kids.

Now, you don’t have to make that choice. You can have your normal kick-ass tailgate party before the game and substitute a 275-pound uncle instead of lugging around that messy bag of Kingsford charcoal briquettes.

For estate planning purposes, you’ll want to specify who gets first dibs on the uncle that smells like mesquite.

Best of all, green funerals are cheaper. A traditional funeral can cost $10,000 or more. You can usually bring in a green funeral for under $2000 — even less if you’ve saved the boxes from your last move.

Author Mark Harris notes, “It’s a lot more than just about the environment. It’s a return to tradition. It speaks to the idea of dust to dust. This is the way we used to bury people, in the first hundred years of our country’s history.”

Of course, the first hundred years of our country’s history were also marked by child labor, rampant disease and civil war, so we might want be a bit careful about trumpeting the whole “tradition” thing as a reason for going back to the “good old days.”

Strangely enough, more people may have access to a green funeral due to global warming. Funeral directors note that “the ground can freeze in winter and make it harder to dig graves.” Chalk up one benefit to climate change: more home burials.

Many funeral homes store bodies during the winter and wait until the ground thaws in the spring to bury them. This creates a problem for the do-it-yourself mortician.

Even with the shelves taken out, most modern, energy-efficient refrigerators are a tight fit for storing relatives.

If you have friends in from out of town, there’s also the occasional problem of them getting up in the middle of the night to raid the fridge for some ice cream. You’ll want to be careful not to sneak up behind them without first turning on the lights in the kitchen.

Otherwise, you may need to buy another refrigerator.

That will just increase your carbon footprint and undo most of the planetary benefit of composting your family members.

global warming, climate change, funerals, eco-conscious burials, cremation, Halloween, creepy green tips,

An assault on Reason …

In the ongoing media suck-up fest that has followed Al Gore around for the past year, you don’t often get to hear the other side of the story.

So, it was very interesting to catch the following excerpt from CNN’s Miles O’Brien’s interview with John Christy of the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (co-recipient of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize) …
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“Oh, my god, we’re at a tipping point ….”

On the six-month anniversary of this year’s Earth Day, Lewis Black’s commentary remains as relevant as the day it was given ….
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global warming, climate change, Lewis Black, celebrities, Earth Day

Knee deep in the hoopla ….

In our last episode, we talked about how you can tell green living is an idea that is catching on because it is increasingly being used by desperate real estate agents to help sell houses.

If you’re an environmentally friendly type of person, that’s great. There’s nothing wrong with factoring a city’s good intentions into your housing equation, but it should probably be somewhere down the list behind crime rates, taxes, laws on public nudity and the architectural style of City Hall.

But just in case you’re having a tough time deciding where to buy a house and you need a tie-breaker, here’s a list of 27 Environmentally Friendly Cities according to the Public Communities website:

1. Austin, Texas: “The city plans to have 20% of its power needs met by solar power and other renewable sources by the year 2020.” I plan to have 20% of my sexual needs met by the Pussycat Dolls by the same year. Only time will tell who reaches their goal first.

2. Charlottesville, Virginia: “In addition to an abundance of trees and parks in the area, the city has also adopted an Environmental Sustainability policy.” I think we can all agree parks are important. Where else can our young people go to learn about drinking and sex?

3. Eugene, Oregon: “Eugene is blessed with a naturally green environment ..There are also abundant trails and wetlands for residents to enjoy.” Per capita sales of bug spray are also the highest in the nation.

4. Santa Rosa, California: “Enjoy restaurants and public–places smoke–free in Santa Rosa.” You may also want to enjoy contemplating higher taxes and that Conan the Barbarian is your governor.

5. Honolulu, Hawaii: “This tropical paradise is a good place to vacation and to live.” Duh!

6. Burlington, Vermont: “Burlington takes its recycling very seriously. The city has a compost facility that takes leftover food from local businesses, and yard waste from residents, and turns it into soil that can be used by farmers and gardeners.” Meanwhile, the Burlington Coat Factory has stopped recycling household pets to make collars and cuffs for their affordable line of outerwear.

7. Huntsville, Alabama: “In 2005 the city started “Operation Green Team” which has educated residents and equipped them to help make Huntsville green. Next up: educating residents on how make a carbon-neutral crystal meth lab.

8. St. Paul, Minnesota: “This capital city is noted for having twenty–five percent of its land as green space.” And 25% of its airport stalls occupied by Republicans looking for anonymous sex.

9. Denver, Colorado: “When finally completed, Denver will have the nation’ s largest light right system.” And perhaps a World Series champion?

10. Lexington, Kentucky: “The city has a growth management plan in place and .. was recently named a bike–friendly community.” Plans are underway to manage the growth of horse farms, country music and big hair.

11. Ithaca, New York: “The residents here don’ t let their northern latitude stop them from being green friendly. Approximately 16 percent of residents brave the snow and cold and walk to work - one of the highest rates in the nation.” Word of this kind of lunacy are a reason why some companies are reluctant to hire Cornell graduates.

12. Kansas City, Missouri: “The city has nice clean water.” And, um … great ribs … and that’s about it.

13. Berkeley, California: “This progressive city has one of the highest environmental organization membership rates.” And features the nation’s largest tie-dyed recyling center.

14. Madison, Wisconsin: “Home of the main campus of the University of Wisconsin, this city established an environment commission back in 1975.” Comedy never goes out of style. Also established in 1975: Saturday Night Live.

15. Asheville, North Carolina: “To keep the air clean, Asheville has developed a green vehicles campaign.” Other popular car colors such as blue, white and gray are taxed at a higher rate.

16. Anchorage, Alaska: “It is hard to beat the clean air and water and natural beauty in Alaska’ s biggest city.” It’s also hard to beat the high cost of heating your house and the 2-to-1 ration of men to women.

17. Oakland, California: “By 2017, the city plans to have 50 percent of its power come from renewable sources.” The other 50% will come from street gangs.

18. Springfield, Illinois: “The capital of Illinois is known for having quality drinking water and fresh air.” And absolutely nothing to do on a Friday night.

19. Boulder, Colorado: “Those who appreciate organic foods should consider relocating to Boulder.” Those who appreciate organic foods should also be in the top 10% of wage earners and have stunted taste buds.

20. Durham, North Carolina: “This city in the research triangle has numerous parks and trails to enjoy.” With the elimination of over-zealous prosecutor Mike Nifong, you can finally enjoy a good frat party again, too.

21. Wenatchee, Washington: “This small town in central Washington is in apple country - many fresh fruits and vegetables are grown here.” Population: 14

22. Boston, Massachusetts: “The city has a smoking ban in place to keep the air clean and a good public transportation system.” Now if they could only do something abawt that freakin’ accent.

23. Seattle, Washington: “The emerald city relies on more than rain to remain green.” It also relies on ongoing royalties from the “Wizard of Oz.”

24. Chattanooga, Tennessee: “What used to be a polluted city only 30 years ago, Chattanooga has made a remarkable turnaround.” Having said that, you’ll still be in Chattanooga.

25. Syracuse, New York: “The Syracuse Center of Excellence in Environmental and Energy Systems focuses on renewable energy, indoor air quality and water resources.” And trying not to sound too pompous.

26. Ann Arbor, Michigan: “Many residents ride public transportation or bikes to work.” Having spent the rest of their disposable income on college football tickets.

27. Daytona Beach: “This city is one of only several that rank in the top 25 for least amount of ozone and small particles in the air.” An abundance of spilled alcohol and the film crew of “Girls Gone Wild” helps keep down small particles of blowing sand.

global warming, climate change, environmentally friendly city, Daytona Beach, Oakland, Asheville, Austin, Santa Rosa, Chattanooga, Syracuse, Seattle, Boston, Wenatchee, Durham, Boulder, Springfield, Anchorage, Madison, Berkeley, Kansas City, Ithaca, St. Paul, Lexington, Huntsville, Burlington, Honolulu, Charlottesville, Eugene, Denver, Ithaca

Sure, it’s environmentally friendly - but does it overlook a golf course? ….

Real estate agents have a bit of a problem these days. With the housing market in a free-fall throughout much of the country, it has become increasingly hard to attract buyers.

What’s a poor, commissioned real estate agent to do?

The answer is as clear as the recycling bin in your kitchen. Did someone say “burgeoning green market?”

Real estate agents and housing related websites are discovering what cloth shopping bag makers already know. Green is the new, well, … green.

As the housing market continues to implode, we can expect to see more nifty articles about the best neighborhoods to compost in, towns with the lowest carbon footprints and places where it’s illegal to drive anything but a unicycle.

The Private Communities website, normally a site dedicated to bringing you information about golf course condos and gated communities, has decided become increasingly populist and posted an article on 27 Environmentally Cities to Live.

The PC (irony alert!) website introduces the article by saying, “With air pollution, traffic and gas prices all on the rise, it increasingly makes sense to consider how environmentally friendly a city is before moving there.”

A friendly word of advice … you might also want to consider whether you have a job there.

Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but gas prices and traffic are on the rise pretty much everywhere, so its hard to see how moving to an environmentally friendly city is going to enable you to cut your expenses any more than you can in your current city.

While there are a lot of environmental concerns to worry about, air pollution should probably be well down the list of things that are keeping you up at night.

As the following EPA data suggests, we can only hope to do as well in other areas as we have in the realm of air pollution:

Since the mid-1960s the best available measurements show that sulfur dioxide levels have fallen by more than 80 percent, carbon monoxide levels are down more than 75 percent, nitrogen dioxide levels dropped over 40 percent, ozone levels decreased nearly 50 percent, and the level of total particulates (smoke, soot, dust) is down by more than 60 percent …

By almost any standard, air quality greatly improved between 1970 and 2000, even as U.S. population grew by 39 percent, energy use increased by 42 percent, total vehicle miles driven jumped by 143 percent, and gross domestic product soared by 149 percent.
(Source: http://www.reason.com/news/show/34800.html)

Does it still make sense to search out an environmentally friendly city?

If it matters that much to you, sure it does. Before you start packing, though, we should take a look at what constitutes an “environmentally friendly” city.

We’ll do that in our next installment as we take a look at some of the 27 cities deemed to be environmentally friendly and check out how they made the grade.

global warming, climate change, environmentally friendly cities, Jefferson Starship

Go ahead. Leave the lights on ….

Today is Blog Action Day.

According to the official website, “On October 15th, bloggers around the web will unite to put a single important issue on everyone’s mind - the environment.”

Because, as everyone knows, you just don’t hear enough about the environment these days.

With appearances on the cover of all the major news magazines, numerous mentions in speeches at the Academy Awards and as the beneficiary of a streaming Internet rock concert, the environment has been overexposed more than Britney Spears’ kitty.

Having a day dedicated to blogging about global warming is like the Wall Street Journal having a special commemorative issue dedicated to Paris Hilton. There’s no real harm in it, but it seems like most of the writers would have something better to do.

At this point in the whole global warming discussion, there are a few conclusions we should all be able to agree on:

I have one last request for the environmental extremists before Blog Action Day closes: take a look at where your fanatic dedication to your cause is taking you.

Being dissatisfied with the intrusion of the the sanctimonious lecturing of the religious right and the corresponding infringement on your personal freedoms doesn’t mean you have to invent a substitute religion where “Nature” is the god but the pontification is every bit as tiresome and the pressure to conform is even more extreme.

Try a new approach. Try letting people think and act for themselves. Things usually work out better that way.

And, oh … happy Blog Action Day.

global warming, climate change, environment, Blog Action Day, Paris Hilton, Wall street Journal, nature as god, individual rights

“Did you just …. ?”

As a humor writer, I so want to work for Greenpeace. The only thing better would be working on the set of Da Ali G Show.

As far as I can tell, both jobs require you to sit around all day and come up with as many hare-brained ideas as you can think of and then sit back and watch to see how many people you can get to buy into your crazy schemes.

In a recent announcement, Greenpeace said they would like people to cut down on the consumption of red meat and switch to eating kangaroo.

Crikey! That’ll take a bit o’ getting used to.

According to Greenpeace, eating more kangaroo will “help reduce land clearing and the release of methane gas from flatulent cattle and sheep.” It turns out that, just like your girlfriend, kangaroos never pass gas.

The recommendation to eat more of Australia’s national symbol was in a recent report commissioned by Greenpeace entitled: Paths to a Low-Carbon Future.

It could have been sub-titled, Paths to a Low-Kangaroo Future, since it’s estimated “roughly three million kangaroos are killed and harvested for meat each year.”

Kangaroos are ususally “shot with high-powered guns between the eyes at night.”

It’s not clear what Greenpeace has against kangaroos, but government reports note that Australia’s kangaroo population has been cut in half to about 25 million in the past five years.”

If we just step up the night hunting, we can probably get the marsupial population down close to zero over the next five years.

Maybe it’s none of my business, but if I were you … I would avoid dressing my child like Kanga or Roo this Halloween.

Endangered Halloween costumes.

The face of peace ….

It was announced that Al Gore won a Nobel Prize this morning.

Funny, I didn’t know they gave a Nobel Prize for hypocrisy.

More ironic still is that he shared the prize with the United Nations IPCC which has a proven record of political pandering and attempts to stifle dissenting opinions.

How do you give The Nobel Peace Prize to a man who has called for people to forcibly block the construction of new coal plants? How much sense does it make to award the Nobel Peace Prize to someone who referred to the United States and Australia as “Bonnie and Clyde?”

What’s the matter? Duke lacrosse prosecutor Michael Nifong wasn’t eligible for the award this year?

Apparently, like the value of the the U.S. dollar, a college diploma and Britney Spears, the Nobel Prize ain’t what it used to be.

global warming, climate change, Al Gore, Nobel Prize, United Nations

“Good news today as at least three models were safe despite being involved in an explosion at a plant where Muppets are made…”

In the pantheon of tales of people hit by the ravages of global warming, perhaps none is more tragic than the recent story coming out of Australia that climate change is wreaking havoc on … wait for it … wait for it … the fashion industry.

I think we can all agree that when climate change starts disrupting the lives of thin, beautiful, narcissistic millionaires - it’s time to take action.

If the story in The Age is any indication, the consequences of inaction are horrific.

As we speak (or blog), global warming “is forcing fashion houses to ditch traditional seasonal collections for transeasonal garments that may lead to a drastic overhaul of fashion show schedules and retail delivery dates.”

Yikes! Models may even be forced to allocate extra time to moisturizing, too. Oh, the humanity.

Predictably, there is no shortage of scam artists consultants willing to help out: “The Wall Street Journal reported last month that American retail giant Liz Claiborne Inc had enlisted a New York climatologist to speak .. on topics ranging from the types of fabrics they should be using to the timing of retail deliveries and seasonal markdowns.”

This kind of gig has got to be like hitting the Powerball lottery for a weatherman. Instead of explaining cumulo-nimbus clouds to a bunch chubby fourth-graders, Chad the Weather Dude gets to give a speech and answer questions from thin, gorgeous fashion models.

The Accu-Weather five-day forecast is for extended hotness, baby.

The article goes on to note that, “Other US fashion giants, including Target and Kohl’s, have also started using climate experts to plan their collections and schedule end-of-season sales.”

Wait a minute. Target is a fashion giant!? Should we look for polyester pant suits to be big again this year? Target is a fashion giant the same way Dora the Explorer is one of People Magazine’s 50 Sexiest Women.

The ironic thing is, in this instance, climate change could be good news for animals. With warmer weather, wool sweaters and mink coats may go the way of the polar bear, robin, whale, coral reef, … oh, hell, just pick your a species you think’s going to become extinct.

With the planet heating up, the fashion industry will be forced to feature more lingerie and swimsuit shows.

The upside of global warming…

Not to mention giving me an excuse to insert a gratuitous photo of a Victoria’s Secret model. God, I love this job.

global warming, climate change, Dora the Explorer, fashion model, Victoria’s Secret, David Bowie

“Class, today’s lesson is why you don’t trust strangers with candy or ex-politicians….”

Note to Blockbuster employees: Please remember to move An Inconvenient Truth into the same “documentary” section as Best In Show, The Blair Witch Project and This is Spinal Tap.

The recent ruling by a London judge that the British government can still distribute copies of An Inconvenient Truth to schools but teachers must accompany any showing of the film with a warning and an explanation of the film’s inaccuracies seemed to be an attempt to placate global warming skeptics.

In fact, the court’s findings should leave even the slowest grade-school kids asking, “Why are we watching this crap, anyway?”

The court ruled that:

“In order for the film to be shown, the Government must first amend their Guidance Notes to Teachers to make clear that 1.) The Film is a political work and promotes only one side of the argument. 2.) If teachers present the Film without making this plain they may be in breach of section 406 of the Education Act 1996 and guilty of political indoctrination. 3.) Eleven inaccuracies have to be specifically drawn to the attention of school children.”

And by “inaccuracies” the court really means “total B.S.”

One of the big problems with trying to come to a reasonable grasp of the whole global warming issue is the distortion of facts and claims that are constantly being bandied about.

The real story behind this ruling is that an impartial court of law came to the conclusion that the most commonly accepted claims of Al Gore’s film are blatantly false.

The court found 11 specific inaccuracies in the film. This doesn’t even begin to address other implicit falsehoods and deliberate biases which Gore and producer Laurie David inserted into the movie.

The 11 inaccuracies the judge found were (my emphasis added):

There’s not a whole lot of equivocation on the issues that were addressed. Hell, even the judge in the BALCO steroid case didn’t find that Barry Bonds lied that much.

We should all learn something from the judges ruling.

The next time we’re tempted to ignore scientific evidence and sacrifice individual choice in the face of the fear-mongering of a politically-motivated mob, we should think back on the events of the past few years.

We should think back and remember the vitriol with which critics of An Inconvenient Truth were attacked and disparaged.

We should think back to how strident the claims were that climate change was a “moral issue” and that we were at a “tipping point” and how these claims were substituted for reasonable debate and a rational approach to the subject.

We should think back at how corporations and individuals who didn’t accept the “consensus” were threatened with taxes, sanctions and the specter of being “tried” and punished for crimes against the environment.

We should remember that, the next time a politician tells us that the world is coming to an end and we need to act like he (or she) tells us, we should treat him like the hysterical, petulant child he is and put him in a corner somewhere until he calms down.

The rest of us should go on enjoying our lives and work together to solve real problems.

global warming, climate change, Stewart Dimmock, Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth, falsehoods, inaccuracies, biases, oh my, consensus, tipping point, polar bears, Barry Bonds,

“All in all, just another brick in the green wall….”

Okay, I get that I am a blight on the environment. I understand that my every move wreaks havoc on a delicately balanced eco-system that is so fragile it’s only been around for 4.5 billion years.

I can’t eat, drink, sleep, work or play without endangering an entire species somewhere on the planet.

Malaria epidemics, breaches of national security and Hurricane Katrina are all my fault due to the carbon footprints I’m constantly tracking into this living room we call Earth.

Since I’m not wealthy enough to have disposable income to spend on purchasing carbon offsets, my only choice is to cut back on any pleasures or conveniences I now enjoy in an effort to stand as the last bastion of defense in the face of an onrushing climate Armageddon.

Believe me, I understand exactly where the eco-zealots are going with all that.

I just have one request … leave my dog out of it.

If a recent article in Newsweek is to be believed, you not only have to worry about yourself and all the other evil humans who are a scourge on the planet, you now have to be concerned about your pet’s carbon footprint, er … pawprint.

After all, you do want to make the world safe for your dog’s puppies and her puppies’ puppies as well as her puppies’ puppies’ puppies, right? (Somewhere a search engine just overloaded on “cute” due to the use of six “puppies” in the same sentence.)

According to Newsweek, “there is no shortage of marketers willing to help consumers part with some of their green pet bucks.”

See, I told you I understood where they were going with all this.

You’ll be happy to know that, just like you, every aspect of your pet’s life is now subject to scrutiny and measurement against an all-encompassing green yardstick.

Picking up Fido’s waste? Socially conscious. Using plastic bags to pick up Fido’s waste? Not so much.

The makers of Skooperbox want you to know that you can clean up after your dog and save the world at the same time. Man, it’s like you’re some kind of superhero or something.

As the makers of Skooperbox will tell you, “Skooperbox is made of 100% recycled material and is completely biodegradable, so you’ll be helping the environment as you do your duty.”

The potential advertising copy almost writes itself: Do do your duty to help your dog do his doodie.

Maybe it’s just me but I get a little nervous when people start describing picking up after my dog as my “duty.”

It’s not a duty; it’s a courtesy to others. Let’s not raise it to the level of serving in the Army. Or going to confession.

I have enough guilt about not being green enough as it is.

global warming, climate change, guilt, green pets, eco-zealots, carbon footprint, carbon pawprint, Hurricane Katrina, epidemics, national security, Scooperbox

… or a least raise a helluva ruckus ….

People in England are smart. You can tell by the accent.

So, it’s no surprise that a British judge is set to rule that schools will have to issue a warning before showing Al Gore’s movie, An Inconvenient Truth, in classrooms.

The ruling was in response to a lawsuit brought by London cabbie, Stewart Dimmock, who sued the government after it announced plans to distribute the ex-next-President’s film to be shown in grade schools throughout the country.

The Daily Mail> reports that “during the three-day hearing, the court heard that the critically-acclaimed film contains a number of inaccuracies, exaggerations and statements about global warming for which there is currently insufficient scientific evidence.”

Saying the film contains inaccuracies, exaggerations and promotes partisan political views is like saying Britney Spears has a drinking problem. The only way this case takes three days to decide is if the judge took two and a half days off to party at the beach.

As it turns out, the final ruling will likely uphold the government’s decision to distribute the film but will require that teachers precede the film with a warning, kind of like the warning on a pack of cigarettes.

The difference is, almost no one is willing to let cigarette companies market toward children. Apparently, the same doesn’t hold for hysterical predictions and second-hand science.

global warming, climate change, Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth, partisan politics, scientific inaccuracies, Britney Spears, cigarettes, warnings