Environmental Talk

“He’s not dead, he’s pining for the fjords….”

In the pecking party to go green, everybody’s getting in on the fun. Even funeral directors.

Next weekend’s featured speaker at the annual meeting of the Funeral Consumers Alliance of Maine is Mark Harris, author of Grave Matters: A Journey Through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Natural Way of Burial.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking it’s just a little bit creepy to be holding a funeral director’s conference the week of Halloween.

Mr. Harris will be talking about the new trend toward “green” funerals. In a green funeral there is no embalming or fancy casket. The deceased is buried in the ground and decomposes naturally.

Green funerals are becoming more popular with eco-conscious baby boomers as they embrace this natural method of burial which has long been practiced by Italian American “businessmen” in Brooklyn and New Jersey.

According to the Portland Press Herald, do-it-yourself, green funerals are part of a growing national trend.

Great. You can raise your awareness of climate change while, at the same time, creeping out your neighbors.

You can bet little Christopher from next door will think twice about chasing his baseball into your backyard when he sneaks in to see a half-dug hole and grandma propped up against the fence.

What better way to teach kids flies are part of the ecosystem, too?

Many of you may find some comfort in knowing that your crazy Uncle Ralph, who used to walk around the house naked, will be fertilizing your organic garden for years to come.

On the other hand, you may never look at a carrot the same way again.

Some environmentalists are promoting cremation as a more ecologically correct method of dealing with the dead.

I don’t know. The average homeowner can’t light a barbecue grill with a quart of lighter fluid and a pile of specially-treated charcoal. What kind of gruesome results to you think you’re going to get when you try to have a Viking burial in the above-ground pool for Aunt Sally?

Still, cremation can solve some problems. It’s always a tough decision whether to give up football tickets on the 50-yard line or attend the funeral of the weird uncle you really didn’t trust to be alone with your kids.

Now, you don’t have to make that choice. You can have your normal kick-ass tailgate party before the game and substitute a 275-pound uncle instead of lugging around that messy bag of Kingsford charcoal briquettes.

For estate planning purposes, you’ll want to specify who gets first dibs on the uncle that smells like mesquite.

Best of all, green funerals are cheaper. A traditional funeral can cost $10,000 or more. You can usually bring in a green funeral for under $2000 — even less if you’ve saved the boxes from your last move.

Author Mark Harris notes, “It’s a lot more than just about the environment. It’s a return to tradition. It speaks to the idea of dust to dust. This is the way we used to bury people, in the first hundred years of our country’s history.”

Of course, the first hundred years of our country’s history were also marked by child labor, rampant disease and civil war, so we might want be a bit careful about trumpeting the whole “tradition” thing as a reason for going back to the “good old days.”

Strangely enough, more people may have access to a green funeral due to global warming. Funeral directors note that “the ground can freeze in winter and make it harder to dig graves.” Chalk up one benefit to climate change: more home burials.

Many funeral homes store bodies during the winter and wait until the ground thaws in the spring to bury them. This creates a problem for the do-it-yourself mortician.

Even with the shelves taken out, most modern, energy-efficient refrigerators are a tight fit for storing relatives.

If you have friends in from out of town, there’s also the occasional problem of them getting up in the middle of the night to raid the fridge for some ice cream. You’ll want to be careful not to sneak up behind them without first turning on the lights in the kitchen.

Otherwise, you may need to buy another refrigerator.

That will just increase your carbon footprint and undo most of the planetary benefit of composting your family members.

global warming, climate change, funerals, eco-conscious burials, cremation, Halloween, creepy green tips,

An assault on Reason …

In the ongoing media suck-up fest that has followed Al Gore around for the past year, you don’t often get to hear the other side of the story.

So, it was very interesting to catch the following excerpt from CNN’s Miles O’Brien’s interview with John Christy of the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (co-recipient of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize) …
(more…)

“Oh, my god, we’re at a tipping point ….”

On the six-month anniversary of this year’s Earth Day, Lewis Black’s commentary remains as relevant as the day it was given ….
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global warming, climate change, Lewis Black, celebrities, Earth Day

Knee deep in the hoopla ….

In our last episode, we talked about how you can tell green living is an idea that is catching on because it is increasingly being used by desperate real estate agents to help sell houses.

If you’re an environmentally friendly type of person, that’s great. There’s nothing wrong with factoring a city’s good intentions into your housing equation, but it should probably be somewhere down the list behind crime rates, taxes, laws on public nudity and the architectural style of City Hall.

But just in case you’re having a tough time deciding where to buy a house and you need a tie-breaker, here’s a list of 27 Environmentally Friendly Cities according to the Public Communities website:

1. Austin, Texas: “The city plans to have 20% of its power needs met by solar power and other renewable sources by the year 2020.” I plan to have 20% of my sexual needs met by the Pussycat Dolls by the same year. Only time will tell who reaches their goal first.

2. Charlottesville, Virginia: “In addition to an abundance of trees and parks in the area, the city has also adopted an Environmental Sustainability policy.” I think we can all agree parks are important. Where else can our young people go to learn about drinking and sex?

3. Eugene, Oregon: “Eugene is blessed with a naturally green environment ..There are also abundant trails and wetlands for residents to enjoy.” Per capita sales of bug spray are also the highest in the nation.

4. Santa Rosa, California: “Enjoy restaurants and public–places smoke–free in Santa Rosa.” You may also want to enjoy contemplating higher taxes and that Conan the Barbarian is your governor.

5. Honolulu, Hawaii: “This tropical paradise is a good place to vacation and to live.” Duh!

6. Burlington, Vermont: “Burlington takes its recycling very seriously. The city has a compost facility that takes leftover food from local businesses, and yard waste from residents, and turns it into soil that can be used by farmers and gardeners.” Meanwhile, the Burlington Coat Factory has stopped recycling household pets to make collars and cuffs for their affordable line of outerwear.

7. Huntsville, Alabama: “In 2005 the city started “Operation Green Team” which has educated residents and equipped them to help make Huntsville green. Next up: educating residents on how make a carbon-neutral crystal meth lab.

8. St. Paul, Minnesota: “This capital city is noted for having twenty–five percent of its land as green space.” And 25% of its airport stalls occupied by Republicans looking for anonymous sex.

9. Denver, Colorado: “When finally completed, Denver will have the nation’ s largest light right system.” And perhaps a World Series champion?

10. Lexington, Kentucky: “The city has a growth management plan in place and .. was recently named a bike–friendly community.” Plans are underway to manage the growth of horse farms, country music and big hair.

11. Ithaca, New York: “The residents here don’ t let their northern latitude stop them from being green friendly. Approximately 16 percent of residents brave the snow and cold and walk to work - one of the highest rates in the nation.” Word of this kind of lunacy are a reason why some companies are reluctant to hire Cornell graduates.

12. Kansas City, Missouri: “The city has nice clean water.” And, um … great ribs … and that’s about it.

13. Berkeley, California: “This progressive city has one of the highest environmental organization membership rates.” And features the nation’s largest tie-dyed recyling center.

14. Madison, Wisconsin: “Home of the main campus of the University of Wisconsin, this city established an environment commission back in 1975.” Comedy never goes out of style. Also established in 1975: Saturday Night Live.

15. Asheville, North Carolina: “To keep the air clean, Asheville has developed a green vehicles campaign.” Other popular car colors such as blue, white and gray are taxed at a higher rate.

16. Anchorage, Alaska: “It is hard to beat the clean air and water and natural beauty in Alaska’ s biggest city.” It’s also hard to beat the high cost of heating your house and the 2-to-1 ration of men to women.

17. Oakland, California: “By 2017, the city plans to have 50 percent of its power come from renewable sources.” The other 50% will come from street gangs.

18. Springfield, Illinois: “The capital of Illinois is known for having quality drinking water and fresh air.” And absolutely nothing to do on a Friday night.

19. Boulder, Colorado: “Those who appreciate organic foods should consider relocating to Boulder.” Those who appreciate organic foods should also be in the top 10% of wage earners and have stunted taste buds.

20. Durham, North Carolina: “This city in the research triangle has numerous parks and trails to enjoy.” With the elimination of over-zealous prosecutor Mike Nifong, you can finally enjoy a good frat party again, too.

21. Wenatchee, Washington: “This small town in central Washington is in apple country - many fresh fruits and vegetables are grown here.” Population: 14

22. Boston, Massachusetts: “The city has a smoking ban in place to keep the air clean and a good public transportation system.” Now if they could only do something abawt that freakin’ accent.

23. Seattle, Washington: “The emerald city relies on more than rain to remain green.” It also relies on ongoing royalties from the “Wizard of Oz.”

24. Chattanooga, Tennessee: “What used to be a polluted city only 30 years ago, Chattanooga has made a remarkable turnaround.” Having said that, you’ll still be in Chattanooga.

25. Syracuse, New York: “The Syracuse Center of Excellence in Environmental and Energy Systems focuses on renewable energy, indoor air quality and water resources.” And trying not to sound too pompous.

26. Ann Arbor, Michigan: “Many residents ride public transportation or bikes to work.” Having spent the rest of their disposable income on college football tickets.

27. Daytona Beach: “This city is one of only several that rank in the top 25 for least amount of ozone and small particles in the air.” An abundance of spilled alcohol and the film crew of “Girls Gone Wild” helps keep down small particles of blowing sand.

global warming, climate change, environmentally friendly city, Daytona Beach, Oakland, Asheville, Austin, Santa Rosa, Chattanooga, Syracuse, Seattle, Boston, Wenatchee, Durham, Boulder, Springfield, Anchorage, Madison, Berkeley, Kansas City, Ithaca, St. Paul, Lexington, Huntsville, Burlington, Honolulu, Charlottesville, Eugene, Denver, Ithaca

Sure, it’s environmentally friendly - but does it overlook a golf course? ….

Real estate agents have a bit of a problem these days. With the housing market in a free-fall throughout much of the country, it has become increasingly hard to attract buyers.

What’s a poor, commissioned real estate agent to do?

The answer is as clear as the recycling bin in your kitchen. Did someone say “burgeoning green market?”

Real estate agents and housing related websites are discovering what cloth shopping bag makers already know. Green is the new, well, … green.

As the housing market continues to implode, we can expect to see more nifty articles about the best neighborhoods to compost in, towns with the lowest carbon footprints and places where it’s illegal to drive anything but a unicycle.

The Private Communities website, normally a site dedicated to bringing you information about golf course condos and gated communities, has decided become increasingly populist and posted an article on 27 Environmentally Cities to Live.

The PC (irony alert!) website introduces the article by saying, “With air pollution, traffic and gas prices all on the rise, it increasingly makes sense to consider how environmentally friendly a city is before moving there.”

A friendly word of advice … you might also want to consider whether you have a job there.

Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but gas prices and traffic are on the rise pretty much everywhere, so its hard to see how moving to an environmentally friendly city is going to enable you to cut your expenses any more than you can in your current city.

While there are a lot of environmental concerns to worry about, air pollution should probably be well down the list of things that are keeping you up at night.

As the following EPA data suggests, we can only hope to do as well in other areas as we have in the realm of air pollution:

Since the mid-1960s the best available measurements show that sulfur dioxide levels have fallen by more than 80 percent, carbon monoxide levels are down more than 75 percent, nitrogen dioxide levels dropped over 40 percent, ozone levels decreased nearly 50 percent, and the level of total particulates (smoke, soot, dust) is down by more than 60 percent …

By almost any standard, air quality greatly improved between 1970 and 2000, even as U.S. population grew by 39 percent, energy use increased by 42 percent, total vehicle miles driven jumped by 143 percent, and gross domestic product soared by 149 percent.
(Source: http://www.reason.com/news/show/34800.html)

Does it still make sense to search out an environmentally friendly city?

If it matters that much to you, sure it does. Before you start packing, though, we should take a look at what constitutes an “environmentally friendly” city.

We’ll do that in our next installment as we take a look at some of the 27 cities deemed to be environmentally friendly and check out how they made the grade.

global warming, climate change, environmentally friendly cities, Jefferson Starship

Go ahead. Leave the lights on ….

Today is Blog Action Day.

According to the official website, “On October 15th, bloggers around the web will unite to put a single important issue on everyone’s mind - the environment.”

Because, as everyone knows, you just don’t hear enough about the environment these days.

With appearances on the cover of all the major news magazines, numerous mentions in speeches at the Academy Awards and as the beneficiary of a streaming Internet rock concert, the environment has been overexposed more than Britney Spears’ kitty.

Having a day dedicated to blogging about global warming is like the Wall Street Journal having a special commemorative issue dedicated to Paris Hilton. There’s no real harm in it, but it seems like most of the writers would have something better to do.

At this point in the whole global warming discussion, there are a few conclusions we should all be able to agree on:

I have one last request for the environmental extremists before Blog Action Day closes: take a look at where your fanatic dedication to your cause is taking you.

Being dissatisfied with the intrusion of the the sanctimonious lecturing of the religious right and the corresponding infringement on your personal freedoms doesn’t mean you have to invent a substitute religion where “Nature” is the god but the pontification is every bit as tiresome and the pressure to conform is even more extreme.

Try a new approach. Try letting people think and act for themselves. Things usually work out better that way.

And, oh … happy Blog Action Day.

global warming, climate change, environment, Blog Action Day, Paris Hilton, Wall street Journal, nature as god, individual rights

“Did you just …. ?”

As a humor writer, I so want to work for Greenpeace. The only thing better would be working on the set of Da Ali G Show.

As far as I can tell, both jobs require you to sit around all day and come up with as many hare-brained ideas as you can think of and then sit back and watch to see how many people you can get to buy into your crazy schemes.

In a recent announcement, Greenpeace said they would like people to cut down on the consumption of red meat and switch to eating kangaroo.

Crikey! That’ll take a bit o’ getting used to.

According to Greenpeace, eating more kangaroo will “help reduce land clearing and the release of methane gas from flatulent cattle and sheep.” It turns out that, just like your girlfriend, kangaroos never pass gas.

The recommendation to eat more of Australia’s national symbol was in a recent report commissioned by Greenpeace entitled: Paths to a Low-Carbon Future.

It could have been sub-titled, Paths to a Low-Kangaroo Future, since it’s estimated “roughly three million kangaroos are killed and harvested for meat each year.”

Kangaroos are ususally “shot with high-powered guns between the eyes at night.”

It’s not clear what Greenpeace has against kangaroos, but government reports note that Australia’s kangaroo population has been cut in half to about 25 million in the past five years.”

If we just step up the night hunting, we can probably get the marsupial population down close to zero over the next five years.

Maybe it’s none of my business, but if I were you … I would avoid dressing my child like Kanga or Roo this Halloween.

Endangered Halloween costumes.

The face of peace ….

It was announced that Al Gore won a Nobel Prize this morning.

Funny, I didn’t know they gave a Nobel Prize for hypocrisy.

More ironic still is that he shared the prize with the United Nations IPCC which has a proven record of political pandering and attempts to stifle dissenting opinions.

How do you give The Nobel Peace Prize to a man who has called for people to forcibly block the construction of new coal plants? How much sense does it make to award the Nobel Peace Prize to someone who referred to the United States and Australia as “Bonnie and Clyde?”

What’s the matter? Duke lacrosse prosecutor Michael Nifong wasn’t eligible for the award this year?

Apparently, like the value of the the U.S. dollar, a college diploma and Britney Spears, the Nobel Prize ain’t what it used to be.

global warming, climate change, Al Gore, Nobel Prize, United Nations

“Good news today as at least three models were safe despite being involved in an explosion at a plant where Muppets are made…”

In the pantheon of tales of people hit by the ravages of global warming, perhaps none is more tragic than the recent story coming out of Australia that climate change is wreaking havoc on … wait for it … wait for it … the fashion industry.

I think we can all agree that when climate change starts disrupting the lives of thin, beautiful, narcissistic millionaires - it’s time to take action.

If the story in The Age is any indication, the consequences of inaction are horrific.

As we speak (or blog), global warming “is forcing fashion houses to ditch traditional seasonal collections for transeasonal garments that may lead to a drastic overhaul of fashion show schedules and retail delivery dates.”

Yikes! Models may even be forced to allocate extra time to moisturizing, too. Oh, the humanity.

Predictably, there is no shortage of scam artists consultants willing to help out: “The Wall Street Journal reported last month that American retail giant Liz Claiborne Inc had enlisted a New York climatologist to speak .. on topics ranging from the types of fabrics they should be using to the timing of retail deliveries and seasonal markdowns.”

This kind of gig has got to be like hitting the Powerball lottery for a weatherman. Instead of explaining cumulo-nimbus clouds to a bunch chubby fourth-graders, Chad the Weather Dude gets to give a speech and answer questions from thin, gorgeous fashion models.

The Accu-Weather five-day forecast is for extended hotness, baby.

The article goes on to note that, “Other US fashion giants, including Target and Kohl’s, have also started using climate experts to plan their collections and schedule end-of-season sales.”

Wait a minute. Target is a fashion giant!? Should we look for polyester pant suits to be big again this year? Target is a fashion giant the same way Dora the Explorer is one of People Magazine’s 50 Sexiest Women.

The ironic thing is, in this instance, climate change could be good news for animals. With warmer weather, wool sweaters and mink coats may go the way of the polar bear, robin, whale, coral reef, … oh, hell, just pick your a species you think’s going to become extinct.

With the planet heating up, the fashion industry will be forced to feature more lingerie and swimsuit shows.

The upside of global warming…

Not to mention giving me an excuse to insert a gratuitous photo of a Victoria’s Secret model. God, I love this job.

global warming, climate change, Dora the Explorer, fashion model, Victoria’s Secret, David Bowie

“Class, today’s lesson is why you don’t trust strangers with candy or ex-politicians….”

Note to Blockbuster employees: Please remember to move An Inconvenient Truth into the same “documentary” section as Best In Show, The Blair Witch Project and This is Spinal Tap.

The recent ruling by a London judge that the British government can still distribute copies of An Inconvenient Truth to schools but teachers must accompany any showing of the film with a warning and an explanation of the film’s inaccuracies seemed to be an attempt to placate global warming skeptics.

In fact, the court’s findings should leave even the slowest grade-school kids asking, “Why are we watching this crap, anyway?”

The court ruled that:

“In order for the film to be shown, the Government must first amend their Guidance Notes to Teachers to make clear that 1.) The Film is a political work and promotes only one side of the argument. 2.) If teachers present the Film without making this plain they may be in breach of section 406 of the Education Act 1996 and guilty of political indoctrination. 3.) Eleven inaccuracies have to be specifically drawn to the attention of school children.”

And by “inaccuracies” the court really means “total B.S.”

One of the big problems with trying to come to a reasonable grasp of the whole global warming issue is the distortion of facts and claims that are constantly being bandied about.

The real story behind this ruling is that an impartial court of law came to the conclusion that the most commonly accepted claims of Al Gore’s film are blatantly false.

The court found 11 specific inaccuracies in the film. This doesn’t even begin to address other implicit falsehoods and deliberate biases which Gore and producer Laurie David inserted into the movie.

The 11 inaccuracies the judge found were (my emphasis added):

There’s not a whole lot of equivocation on the issues that were addressed. Hell, even the judge in the BALCO steroid case didn’t find that Barry Bonds lied that much.

We should all learn something from the judges ruling.

The next time we’re tempted to ignore scientific evidence and sacrifice individual choice in the face of the fear-mongering of a politically-motivated mob, we should think back on the events of the past few years.

We should think back and remember the vitriol with which critics of An Inconvenient Truth were attacked and disparaged.

We should think back to how strident the claims were that climate change was a “moral issue” and that we were at a “tipping point” and how these claims were substituted for reasonable debate and a rational approach to the subject.

We should think back at how corporations and individuals who didn’t accept the “consensus” were threatened with taxes, sanctions and the specter of being “tried” and punished for crimes against the environment.

We should remember that, the next time a politician tells us that the world is coming to an end and we need to act like he (or she) tells us, we should treat him like the hysterical, petulant child he is and put him in a corner somewhere until he calms down.

The rest of us should go on enjoying our lives and work together to solve real problems.

global warming, climate change, Stewart Dimmock, Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth, falsehoods, inaccuracies, biases, oh my, consensus, tipping point, polar bears, Barry Bonds,

“All in all, just another brick in the green wall….”

Okay, I get that I am a blight on the environment. I understand that my every move wreaks havoc on a delicately balanced eco-system that is so fragile it’s only been around for 4.5 billion years.

I can’t eat, drink, sleep, work or play without endangering an entire species somewhere on the planet.

Malaria epidemics, breaches of national security and Hurricane Katrina are all my fault due to the carbon footprints I’m constantly tracking into this living room we call Earth.

Since I’m not wealthy enough to have disposable income to spend on purchasing carbon offsets, my only choice is to cut back on any pleasures or conveniences I now enjoy in an effort to stand as the last bastion of defense in the face of an onrushing climate Armageddon.

Believe me, I understand exactly where the eco-zealots are going with all that.

I just have one request … leave my dog out of it.

If a recent article in Newsweek is to be believed, you not only have to worry about yourself and all the other evil humans who are a scourge on the planet, you now have to be concerned about your pet’s carbon footprint, er … pawprint.

After all, you do want to make the world safe for your dog’s puppies and her puppies’ puppies as well as her puppies’ puppies’ puppies, right? (Somewhere a search engine just overloaded on “cute” due to the use of six “puppies” in the same sentence.)

According to Newsweek, “there is no shortage of marketers willing to help consumers part with some of their green pet bucks.”

See, I told you I understood where they were going with all this.

You’ll be happy to know that, just like you, every aspect of your pet’s life is now subject to scrutiny and measurement against an all-encompassing green yardstick.

Picking up Fido’s waste? Socially conscious. Using plastic bags to pick up Fido’s waste? Not so much.

The makers of Skooperbox want you to know that you can clean up after your dog and save the world at the same time. Man, it’s like you’re some kind of superhero or something.

As the makers of Skooperbox will tell you, “Skooperbox is made of 100% recycled material and is completely biodegradable, so you’ll be helping the environment as you do your duty.”

The potential advertising copy almost writes itself: Do do your duty to help your dog do his doodie.

Maybe it’s just me but I get a little nervous when people start describing picking up after my dog as my “duty.”

It’s not a duty; it’s a courtesy to others. Let’s not raise it to the level of serving in the Army. Or going to confession.

I have enough guilt about not being green enough as it is.

global warming, climate change, guilt, green pets, eco-zealots, carbon footprint, carbon pawprint, Hurricane Katrina, epidemics, national security, Scooperbox

… or a least raise a helluva ruckus ….

People in England are smart. You can tell by the accent.

So, it’s no surprise that a British judge is set to rule that schools will have to issue a warning before showing Al Gore’s movie, An Inconvenient Truth, in classrooms.

The ruling was in response to a lawsuit brought by London cabbie, Stewart Dimmock, who sued the government after it announced plans to distribute the ex-next-President’s film to be shown in grade schools throughout the country.

The Daily Mail> reports that “during the three-day hearing, the court heard that the critically-acclaimed film contains a number of inaccuracies, exaggerations and statements about global warming for which there is currently insufficient scientific evidence.”

Saying the film contains inaccuracies, exaggerations and promotes partisan political views is like saying Britney Spears has a drinking problem. The only way this case takes three days to decide is if the judge took two and a half days off to party at the beach.

As it turns out, the final ruling will likely uphold the government’s decision to distribute the film but will require that teachers precede the film with a warning, kind of like the warning on a pack of cigarettes.

The difference is, almost no one is willing to let cigarette companies market toward children. Apparently, the same doesn’t hold for hysterical predictions and second-hand science.

global warming, climate change, Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth, partisan politics, scientific inaccuracies, Britney Spears, cigarettes, warnings

“The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant ….”

When we last heard from Homeland Security Secretary Count Olaf Michael Chertoff at the beginning of July, he had a “gut feeling” that we were facing an increased terror threat during the summer.

We’re now officially into autumn and, not counting Iranian president Amaddinnerjihad’s (no, I’m not going to waste the time looking up the correct spelling) visit to Columbia University, the most terrifying thing that happened all summer was the collapse of the New York Mets.

Even as a card-carrying New Yorker, I’m not willing to blame the team’s fade on fanatical Muslims. Sure the Mets could have traded for bin-Laden, but he’s not the imposing presence on the mound that he used to be and it just wasn’t worth it to give up future draft choices.

Failed hunches notwithstanding, Michael Chertoff apparently hasn’t learned to keep his crazy ideas to himself. His latest ramblings include a defense of a border fence between Mexico and the U.S. because it would be good for the environment.

In a telephone interview with the Associated Press, Chertoff said:

“Illegal migrants really degrade the environment. I’ve seen pictures of human waste, garbage, discarded bottles and other human artifact in pristine areas. And believe me, that is the worst thing you can do to the environment.”

I don’t know. It can’t be a whole lot worse than spewing that kind of ignorant garbage into the atmosphere.

“Illegal migrants really degrade the environment.”?! Is Chertoff is just assuming that all “those people” are smelly, nasty and disease-ridden?

And you can just imagine how wanting to come to this country for the freedom to make a better life for their children will “degrade the environment” for the rest of the 300 million sons, daughters and spouses of immigrants who live here.

While we’re at it, can we please put an end to all this nonsense about how “pristine” nature is?

All you need to do is watch the Discovery Channel or go camping to know that nature is dirty, fetid and bug-infested. If we’re going to put up a fence because some dude crapped in the desert, then let’s extend that reasoning to all the creatures in the biosphere and put up a fence around Central Park to keep out Golden Retrievers, Border Collies and pigeons … and their “artifacts.”

Our immigration policy should be the same as the admission policy to a college frat party. Anyone with $10 and a proper ID can get in and stay from 9:00 p.m. until ?

However, we should have two big frat brothers from the football team who will keep out xenophobic knuckleheads who think immigrants are a danger to the environment.

global warming, climate change, Michael Chertoff, immigrants cause global warming, college frat parties, golden retrievers, border collies, Central Park

James “Lights Out” Toney

Please join me (and tens of Los Angelenos and San Franciscans) in saluting the career of boxing great James “Lights Out” Toney.

With a career record of 70-6-3, Toney has held world titles at middleweight, super-middleweight and cruiserweight, a division in which boxers are much better-dressed and way more catty in their pre-fight smack talk.

Government officials in Los Angeles are calling for residents to join San Franscisco in turning their lights out for an hour later this month to … wait, what? …

Oh, man. It turns out this isn’t an effort to honor a boxing legend, it’s just another one of those feel-good global warming awareness gigs.

On October 20th, “Los Angeles County and city officials are urging people, businesses and government to switch off non-essential lights for one hour next month to save energy.”

Personally, I think it’s a great idea to turn off the lights for an hour between 8:00 p.m. and 9:00 p.m. in a city known for its gang activity. What could possibly go wrong?

I believe there was a study done recently that showed over 43% of The Bloods and The Crips believe global warming is a problem. Or, as the survey phrased it, “That sh*t is f*cked up.”

Here at Environmental Talk we’re all about the youth of America, so we’ve compiled a list of the Top Five Gang Tips to Combat Global Warming:

1.) Use a hybrid when doing a drive-by shooting. Statistics show that most people can save over $438 a year by driving a hybrid. This is good news if you’ve been trying to save money to upgrade from a semi-automatic to a full automatic weapon.

2.) Use double-paned windows and insulation with a value of R-12 or higher in construction of gang headquarters. Eliminating drafts not only helps save money on heating, it results in a better contact high since pot smoke doesn’t leave the room due to shoddy construction.

3.) Consider washing gang colors in cold water. Hot water uses up a lot more energy than cold water washing. Plus your blues and reds stay brighter and more vibrant. Savvy gang members know that nothing can kill street cred faster than showing up to an initiation with baggy pants and pink boxers showing because your red do-rag ran in the wash.

4.) Ford and GM are among the biggest contributors to global warming. Steal a car. Explain to the jury that you were doing your part to combat climate change. You’re not a felon, you’re an environmental hero.

5.) Buy local. Drugs from South America may travel over 15,000 miles to make it to Echo Park in Los Angeles. Every mile those drugs travel generates 3.7 pounds (or some other number you can make up) of carbon emissions. If you must buy your coke from Columbia, consider participating in a carbon offset program to help make your drug transactions carbon neutral.

Together with the gangs of America, we can make a difference.

Take us on home, Vicki …

Catchier than “The Night the Lights Went Out in San Francisco and Los Angeles California”

global warming, climate change, Lights Out, James Toney, Los Angeles, San Francisco, cruiser weight,